W12 Paper: Parenting

Family Relations: Parenting

 

Fabrice T. Banyingela

Home and Family Department, BYU-Idaho

FAML 160: Family Relations

Ryanne Burnett

March 27^th, 2022

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Abstract

Throughout this week, I have learned that parenting is a skill that is mostly disregarded as a full-time job but in reality forms a core responsibility of parents. Parents need to trust their kids, lead with example, and create a very good & forgiving environment. As part of my study from Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy and other readings, I have received knowledge about the four Parenting Styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Uninvolved. I will use two experiences I have had with parents in order to address some of the parenting styles.

            Keywords: autocratic parenting, active parenting, missed opportunity

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My identity

 

As I remember my childhood, I get flashbacks of happy experiences and how happy my parents strive to build a happy family. Because of their love for us, they have built a good educational environment for us and thought us the correct principles and behavior. But as an adolescent, I felt like that happiness toward me ended the moment I enrolled in ninth grade. That was the moment I felt like finding my true identity, doing things according to my pleasure, and confirming to others that I exist. The new character I developed brought a lot of misunderstanding between my father and I, and plenty of fights with my mother. My father will reprimand my hairstyle, dress code, and even my walk; while my mother pulls me away from a group of friends or deny me access to visit.

There is a solution to every problem we say. One Friday evening, my parents decided to counsel me after realizing that their attitude toward me was not solving the problem but creating more conflict. I was expecting to be reprimanded but instead, they were telling me stories of their childhood. My father mentioned a long and sad story of his previous girlfriend before meeting my mother and my mother emphasized the consequences of dropping out of school. While listening to them, I felt what I call today “the presence of the Holy Spirit” in me softening my heart. I really felt that there was no reason to go to war against my parents; that they love me and they have been on the road that I am; and that I should accept their mentorship.

My grade nine results were very poor compared to the previous grade. As I was admitted to grade tenth, and became more receptive to good counseling from my parents and teachers, my marks were better and I become one of the top students in some subjects. Therefore, I can confirm that the first place of education is home and for that, parents need to be active. To become an active parent, one needs to understand that parenting is a technique that is based on psychological principles; it aims to bring mutual respect, dialogue, and interactions between both parents and the child. This experience moved my parents from Authoritarian to Authoritative which I consider as effective parenting skills.

She’s older than you

My other experience happened before I got married. During this moment, my parents adopted an Authoritarian style to deal with the matter. They wanted me to finish with my studies first, find a clear career, and build a house. The battle went rigid to the extent that they did not like my girlfriend anymore and felt that she was the reason for blocking the future plans that they have developed for me. I personally found it uncalled for as no one should force people to start a relationship or break them up. Nevertheless, red flags are sometimes difficult to notice but if the preventers find a suitable way to help you see what you couldn’t see earlier, most people will be saved from a lot of trouble.

I defied my parents and persisted to marry my girlfriend. The most reason I did not cooperate with them was the fact that they failed to make me understand why I shouldn’t get married to her. “She is older than you,” my mother said and I replied “age is just a number! A by the way, the older the age, the mature the person is.” Then comes my father one day saying that we have played ping-pong games too much and it is time to make a final decision. Since they couldn’t explain the main reason, I have asked my father to go ahead with the proceeding to meet up with my girlfriend’s family.

Unfortunately, when I told her about the wish of my family to meet up with hers, she told me to put everything on hold because she is planning to travel to Paris for three months and then we can arrange for the ceremony. Its been fifteen years since she left the country. If it wasn’t for that trip, maybe we could have been married but the fact that we had so many stories about herself, made my parents realize that she was not suitable to be my girlfriend. Looking back at this experience, makes me realize the mistake parents do by hiding the truth while teaching their kids hence adopting the authoritarian style. Yes, I understand my parents' point of delaying me from getting married but hiding the true reason was really uncalled for. As I took this class, I now know that marrying at a later age has its own costs and benefits; and one needs to take enough time to consider the option.

Conclusion

Parents should learn to associate their children with most of the decisions that pertained to their future. The most beneficial action parents can do is to enhance their children’s grit. Characteristics of a gritty child include a passion for a certain goal and perseverance of effort. Grittier individuals find it exciting to accomplish tasks than less gritty individuals. They spend more hours of deliberate practice. These types of kids accept challenges and understand that their intelligence and skills can be developed thru practice. Once a child feels important in the family decision-making, the child can have room for frank discussion and a positive resolution. Therefore, active parenting is key to a successful family affair.

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References

Lauer, R.H. & Lauer, J.C. (2018). Marriage and family: The quest for intimacy (9^th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.