W06 Interview: Successful Marriage Paper

 

Successful Marriage

 

Fabrice Tshiyoyi Banyingela

Bachelor Applied Technology, Brigham Young University - Idaho

FAML 160: Family Relations

Professor: Ryanne Burnett

February 12, 2022

 

Abstract

This paper examines an interview of decades of marriage experience of John & Boni Thanjekwayo. Although marriage strengths and weaknesses were discussed during this interview, the focus was set on learning from marriage challenges.

 

Keywords: Preparation, Adaptability, Friendship, Love, Dating, and Enduring. 

 

 

Background

            Although I’ve known the couple for the past 8 years, they have met almost 30 years ago. John & Boni Thanjekwayo got married in December 1996 right after meeting in July of the same year. Since then, they reflect a great example of a successful marriage. As raised by a single mother, Boni could not understand some of the cultures of other families and remembered that although she knew John before he approached her, she didn’t like him at first. As John who lived in the same neighborhood was persistent, it took a little moment to know him, they became very comfortable as friends, and now love him to the moon. This authentic story is very interesting and unique, and I personally enjoyed the moment listening to their experience and their shared memories of being married at an earlier age and blessed with two sons.

General Description

A few items were discussed such as physical attraction, dating experience, and marriage transition. Boni was not hesitant to answer them with precise dates; she remembered that fear took control of her mind when John approached her. She didn’t like the idea in the first place because she was not comfortable with him. But as soon as they started spending time together, the quicker she fell in love.

Although they didn’t receive counseling before marriage, they have learned from each other and accepted that they are a set of different individuals. The couple agreed that counseling should be part of the marriage process and should start as soon as the partner proposes marriage. It is also the couple’s responsibility to seek and accept good advice from parents, church leaders, family, professionals, and friends. Counseling brings awareness to face any incoming problems and overcome them.  

John counsels that once engaged in marriage, one loads himself or herself with a new burden. To be able to deal with a partner’s burden, one needs divine, mental, and physical help. Each person must deal with his/her past. If you can’t love yourself enough, you will struggle to love someone else. So the first step is to learn to love yourself.  The two become one item, best friends, and partners in all things. Boni recalls losing friends. Not because John doesn’t like her friends, but because of the level of their friendship in spending most of their time together. It is therefore clear that your partner should be your best friend and once married it becomes inappropriate to keep the same level of relationships with other friends, especially those of the opposite gender.

            They have experienced few transitions during their marriage. Boni’s emotions were being out of whack when in-laws were trying to control their marriage. They worked well together and remember little conflict early in their marriage while they thrived on their passionate love, which is common among newlyweds. Identifying themselves as a traditional type of marriage, Boni questioned “Why am I the only one who cooks in the house”? With two sons as senior and sophomore at varsity, they help with some chores in the house from time to time.

Couples are like siblings. They will learn to love each other through disagreement. They must be committed to each other and determined to work through difficulties together. John’s advice to marriage aspirants is to consider counseling and learn the inner quality of the person by building a strong relationship first rather than falling for the physical attraction.

John and Boni possess real love for each other and have a very good communication style. They call each other “lala” (a form of “My love”) and listen to the other before speaking. They look happily married and express the importance of being active listeners, compromising for each other, and staying humble despite the trials and marital conflicts. Therefore, it is critical to pay attention to the good qualities of your partner’s personality; this can be from their level of commitment, talents, and other non-physical attributes.  

Principles Learned from the Interview

Helen Boswell says “Giving someone a piece of your soul is better than giving a piece of your heart. Because souls are eternal.” Your soul is a reflection of your qualities. When those qualities match with someone else’s, then you find in him/her an eternal companion. Falling in love is to really take a portion of you to add on the partner. A successful marriage is therefore maintained by the couple maintaining themselves first. That part of you that you give your partner should be clean to bring peace. Any relationship cannot thrive without balance and even some sacrifice. Once married you are no longer alone emotionally or psychologically. You are now sharing your life with someone else. Any decision made must benefit everyone. This is not to say that your feelings must fade away but you always need to remember that your partner is part of your life. If you genuinely love someone, you will ensure that your choices keep them safe and loved.

There are several principles learned from this interview. The main is commitment. Lauer and Lauer (2018) state that “Commitment to the person (you love) means that you are determined to work through troubled times” (p. 190).  This requires a lot of sacrifice and adaptability; some adjustments along the way were strongly needed to overcome strains. Today, the Thanjekwayo stands as proof that any love that you worked on and made sacrifices for will eventually develop from a friendship to companionate love. Speaking of that, Lauer and Lauer (2018) continued with a statement that says “Passionate love gradually yields to companionate love as the dominant form of a relationship. … The realities of life set in …and [they] start coping with the vexations of two imperfect humans trying to establish a long-term, meaningful relationship. …Companionate love, then, does not mean the death of passion; rather, it means that two people have found a firm basis for a lasting relationship. …The transition to companionate love is not a loss but a gain, …[it] is more important for life satisfaction.” (Lauer & Lauer, 2018, p. 138-139)

In observing other couples similar to the Thanjekwayo, I can conclude that they never discuss gender roles in marriage. The instinctive attitude is that the husband is the breadwinner and the wife will be the homemaker but throughout their marriage, some transitions happen; wives need to work as well to maintain family financial stability. Hence, both husband and wife need to consider an open and frank discussion to divide up the chores and housework. Men usually respond by saying “This is Africa… kitchen belongs to women.” I partially disagree with that. The one reason I might agree with this statement is the fact that a mother’s meal is the sweetest meal everyone needs. But if she has to hustle financially like a man, then she deserves a permanent assistant in the kitchen. Most of the struggles in marriage come from couples who don’t understand each other’s core values and the stress of building a relationship with in-laws. For example, requesting in-laws to move out of their house or shorten their visit has really brought peace to the Thanjekwayo family as they focus on each other.

Marriage success resides in the couple working through struggles together by fighting the problem not the person – this way, they will be able to turn their challenges into opportunities and strengthen their love and commitment to each other. As stated by Boni, communication should be a dialogue, not a monologue because it is confusing when a husband does not add input to a topic and when things go wrong decides to blame the wife. Couples should support each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Emotions can really create an unpleasant environment. Sometimes couples are happy and other times they are sad or cannot even control them. The key is to learn ways of discussing your feelings with your partner. Your partner should be your number one person in the world; the first person you trust, confide in, and lean on. You should be able to count on your partner for anything and at any given time. Partners need to learn as well the unspoken words because giving someone a silent treatment is also a message. Following John and Boni’s example of working through their challenges by being sensitive to partners’ needs and considering the impact of their background and upbringing can really save much marriage from falling.

Conclusion

In conclusion, marriage should not be taken for granted – it is going to be hard sometimes but a successful marriage should be well balanced through proper communication. Be there for each other to some point, count, and depend on each other. Siblings learn to love each other and that takes time – the same applies to married couples. This way, the couple valued each other and became more confident. Above all, a couple should trust in God, live the correct principles of life, and strive to be good citizens.

Marriage becomes heaven on earth when these three words are applied: time, communication, and practice. Love without time does not exist. When there is love, there will always be time to spend together which leads to fruitful moments of communication and you will know who your partner is. Any healthy relationship is built on good communication skills. Communication is not only about working out issues but also involves being able to have meaningful conversations. A happy and healthy married life starts with opening up about yourself – no secrets. Bottling things up and never letting your emotions free is a huge issue. Time is a rare commodity. There are several ways to make time for your partner such as running each other’s errands, cooking for each other, and showering together. Words only are not enough, one has to prove it through actions. Those good words can only remain good when applied practically within the perimeter of your home or on a date.

To those who are aspiring to become married, remember this is not magic! To get a better job, one has to improve his skills or change career if possible; it requires you to do some studies. Go on dates to know who your partner is; love him/her unconditionally and adapt for a good purpose.

 

Reference

Lauer, R. H., & Lauer, J.C. (2018). Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Ninth

Edition. McGraw-Hill Education.

Boswell H. (2013). The Wicked. McGraw-Hill Education. Found at

https://kidadl.com/articles/soul-connection-quotes-to-describe-that-special-bond. Accessed: 12 February 2022.