W12 Paper: Parenting

Family Relations: Parenting

 

Fabrice T. Banyingela

Home and Family Department, BYU-Idaho

FAML 160: Family Relations

Ryanne Burnett

March 27^th, 2022

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Abstract

Throughout this week, I have learned that parenting is a skill often disregarded as a full-time job, yet it forms a core responsibility of parents. Parents need to trust their children, lead by example, and create a forgiving environment. From my study of Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy and other readings, I have gained knowledge about the four parenting styles: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Uninvolved. I will use two personal experiences to illustrate some of these parenting styles.

Keywords: autocratic parenting, active parenting, missed opportunity

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My Identity

As I recall my childhood, I have flashbacks of joyful experiences and how hard my parents worked to build a happy family. Because of their love for us, they created a strong educational environment and taught us correct principles and behavior. However, as an adolescent, I felt that their happiness toward me faded when I entered ninth grade. That was when I began searching for my true identity—doing things that pleased me and proving to others that I existed. This new attitude led to misunderstandings between my father and me, and frequent arguments with my mother. My father would reprimand my hairstyle, dress code, and even the way I walked, while my mother would pull me away from certain friends or deny me permission to visit them.

One Friday evening, my parents decided to counsel me after realizing that their approach was creating more conflict than resolution. Expecting to be reprimanded, I was surprised when they instead shared stories from their own youth. My father told a long, sad story about his previous girlfriend before meeting my mother, and my mother emphasized the consequences of dropping out of school. As I listened, I felt what I now call “the presence of the Holy Spirit” softening my heart. I realized there was no reason to fight my parents—they loved me, had walked the same path, and wanted to guide me.

My ninth-grade results were poor compared to the previous year. But as I entered tenth grade and became more receptive to my parents’ and teachers’ counsel, my grades improved, and I became one of the top students in several subjects. This experience confirmed that homes are the first place of education, and for that reason, parents must be active. Active parenting is a technique based on psychological principles that fosters mutual respect, dialogue, and interaction between parents and children. This experience moved my parents from an Authoritarian to an Authoritative style, which I now consider an effective parenting approach.

She’s Older Than You

My second experience occurred before I got married. During this time, my parents adopted an Authoritarian style to handle the situation. They wanted me to complete my studies, establish a career, and build a house before marrying. The disagreement became so intense that they disliked my girlfriend, believing she was hindering the future plans they had for me. I found this unfair—no one should be forced to start or end a relationship. However, I now understand that sometimes red flags are hard to see, and if parents find a suitable way to help their children recognize them, many problems can be avoided.

I defied my parents and insisted on marrying my girlfriend. My main reason for resisting was that they failed to explain why I shouldn’t marry her. “She is older than you,” my mother said. I replied, “Age is just a number! Besides, the older the person, the more mature they are.” Later, my father told me it was time to make a final decision. Since they couldn’t give a clear reason, I asked him to proceed with meeting my girlfriend’s family.

Unfortunately, when I told her about my family’s wish to meet hers, she asked me to postpone everything because she was planning to travel to Paris for three months. It has been fifteen years since she left the country. If not for that trip, perhaps we would have married—but many stories that emerged later about her made my parents realize she wasn’t suitable for me. Looking back, I see the mistake parents make when they hide the truth while trying to teach their children, thus adopting an authoritarian style. I now understand my parents’ desire to delay my marriage, but concealing the real reason was unnecessary. Through this class, I’ve learned that marrying later in life has both costs and benefits, and one must take time to consider the options carefully.

Conclusion

Parents should involve their children in decisions that affect their future. The most valuable thing parents can do is help their children develop grit—the passion and perseverance to achieve long-term goals. Gritty individuals find fulfillment in accomplishing tasks and spend more time in deliberate practice. Such children embrace challenges and understand that intelligence and skills can be developed through effort. When a child feels valued in family decision-making, it fosters open discussion and positive resolution. Therefore, active parenting is key to building a successful and harmonious family.

References

Lauer, R. H., & Lauer, J. C. (2018). Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy (9th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.